Wednesday, January 14, 2009

New Eyes

My Little Buddha Baby

Dear Charlotte,

I thought I should tell you a little bit more about why I started writing this blog. This is the beginning of 2009; trust me when I say that blogging is like bread. That is, everybody knows what it is; it's a very basic thing, but some varieties have a more interesting flavor and texture, and some will downright knock your socks off and leave you craving more, like any good fix should. (The yang of that is that some kinds will make you believe there is a hell and you are in it.)

So yeah. Blogs = bread. Still with me?

When I met Daddy in 2005, I truly didn't expect my life to be where it is as I write this. You have to understand, Mommy's life was really different then. I had just moved back from my very first venture out of my home state. I was working two jobs with crazy hours, and living with your Aunt Kindra and Uncle Jason. All of my focus was laser-beamed on regrouping, both financially and personally, and getting the hell back out of Dodge as soon as I could. I wanted Pittsburgh. I needed Pittsburgh, and all of my new liberal swimming friends, and my new freedom.

Then I met Daddy. And for awhile, the Stephanie train still wasn't derailed. It was all work, all the time, and thoughts about what my next move would be. I had already screwed up pretty good with my last plan, and I wasn't anxious to repeat those feelings of disappointment. (If you haven't noticed yet, Mommy is very big into to-do lists and plans and chess move-like stuff. Daddy finds it hysterical that I made a to-do list for Mario Kart.)

The, one night in October, Daddy and I decided to go out. The details of that encounter, and the wackiness that ensued is another post, but suffice to say things worked out, and right now the three of us (plus Tug and Terrorist Cat) are in the middle of our Happy Ever After.

My story, Charlotte, is about you. Before you were born, I was working on trying to figure out the W's; who I was, where I was going, what I wanted, why I exist. All of those crazy philosophical questions that will actually drive you crazy if you take them too seriously. And I took them entirely too seriously.

You changed all of that.

You gave me a new way to see the world. I realized that life truly is just a one-time deal, and while we might not have control over how long we get to take this ride, we can control what we get from it. I don't want to waste a second of this life, Charlotte. I'm learning to sort out what's important in life from what isn't, and adjust my day accordingly. For instance, I can accept that me working full time is a necessary thing. I'm okay with getting up every day and trekking to work and bringing home dock dust and a weekly paycheck. Thanks to you, I also realize that there are days, when it's cold outside, and the house is dark and quiet and the alarm goes off at 5:30 but Daddy puts his arms around me and snuggles close to me....those occasional mornings, Chuck, it's okay to hit the snooze button. The every-now-and-then "sorry I'm late boss" speech and the extra ribbing your coworker gives you about getting a watch is absolutely worth the extra half hour (or hour, whatever) of cozy snuggle time. Just like sometimes it's worth having a messy house when it means you get to giggle and play with your daughter, or you get to watch her try with all her might to crawl across the floor and pick up her favorite toy.

The point, Charlotte, is that you gave me new eyes. I live every day for every single bit of joy I can get out of it. I try not to waste time on the things that don't matter, and I look forward to having a reason to wake up for the rest of my life.

Thank you for that amazing, precious gift.

I love you.